Dear Toby, letters to my gay nephew

Dear Toby, There’s an old saw: things work out for the best. I am not sure. The only thing that I’ll say with certainty is that things work out one way or another. A friend of Kumar’s decided to leave college one semester before completing his degree. It broke my heart and stirred up an old memory, and stirred a few hot coals under an old regret. At almost 80 years old I don’t have too many regrets in my life, but there is one thing that I wish I could do over. I went to the Harvard Graduate School of Design. I got in, I did the work. There were parts I loved, parts I struggled with, but for the most part I loved it. I was no good in the engineering structural part. But in my last year I decided that I wanted to do theology. I was convinced that it was the best decision for me. I dropped out of Graduate School Design. I finished the exams for the second to last semester. I told myself that I would return and finish the degree if I needed it. One thing led to another. I never went back,...

You’re right. I’m not exactly shocked, more surprised. I did not expect a letter from you, especially one so friendly. Thank you. I thought that we had both just decided to end any possibility of a relationship for whatever personal reasons. In the messy aftermath of mother and AJ’s deaths then dad’s going to live with John, I felt that we all got lost in blame and recriminations, punching and counter punching. I certainly don’t want to rehash that mess. We all did our best to keep it together while they were alive, but after they were gone, anchors adrift, all hell broke loose. I think that is especially true with regard to mother as she generated the strongest psychological pull. I forgot that I did that interview for the Dartmouth oral history project. I do remember that the interviewer was very skilled. He asked questions about things that I had pushed aside or relegated to the not important column. I’ll have to reread it myself. My actual assessment is that both our parents were j...

Thanks for the mention of  "Obama's Rules for Revolution: The Alinsky Model." I am not going to mail 25 scarce bucks to Horowitz, or anyone for that matter, but it sent me back to my roots. During my “regency” I worked for a priest in Boston, Michael Groden, who was also a student at the Harvard Graduate School of Design in urban planning. Mike started a small office in Haymarket Square called the Planning Office for Urban Affairs. I wrote a proposal for the seed money from HUD for what became the East Boston Community Development Corporation which in turn became the first of many low income housing projects that Mike initiated. The impetus for Mike’s activism was his work with Saul Alinsky. Later I found out that our Morgan had been shaped by Alinsky’s training. I suspect I see evidence that John Baumann also exhibits some of these traits. So I have to thank the member who got my Irish going, and turned my mind back to my own Alinsky roots. I googled Mike, not easy as he...

Dear Toby, I could just tell this story as if it were bumping into a very effeminate gay man on the street in the Casto. He just happened to be a Zen priest, and he invited me to join him in creating a hospice for people with HIV. Our meeting was in fact quite ordinary. During the first Zen Hospice Volunteer training. Issan had been invited to come to one of the sessions and answer our questions. I asked a question and he answered. I remember that my question was about all the things that were going on in my mind while I was trying to take care of the basic needs of Nancy Storm when she was dying. I knew that he was paying attention to me in a way that was quite profound, and I knew that I was going to work with him in some capacity., I could link it to my Jesuit roots. I could order the sequence of events as they actually happened. After 35 years, a chance meeting with a Zen priest who was starting a hospice for people with AIDS turned my attention back to meditation practice. It also...