Close enough facts

Dear Toby,

It’s not lost on me that I am writing about incidents and my reactions to them that happened 50 or even 60 years ago. Obviously some of the stories will not be as accurate as if I were writing about them the day after they happened or even a few years. Our memories play tricks on us. We imagine that the events happened in a way that fits the stories we tell about ourselves, whatever facade we’ve managed to construct to allow us to live our lives with some modicum of peace, and without overwhelming recrimination. I am aware of this. I welcome it. What I actually want to write about are those stories. If I can manage some degree of self awareness and maintain a reasonably objective analysis, I will have hit my mark. 


It is quite similar to what happens in therapy. Our memories are colored by what our neurosis has made them mean. You are not going to be thrown out of therapy if you misremember or misrepresent who threw the first punch in your first drunken brawl. 


I’m thinking of a poem by Robert Frost, “Nobody was ever meant to remember or invent what he did with every cent.” I just checked on Google for the exact quote. It is slightly different from the way my memory registered the poem. This is my version: Nobody was ever meant to remember or repent for what he did with every cent. What is interesting is that I put some Calvinist spin on Frost’s verse. There is nothing at all about good and bad ways to spend money. I slipped that in. There was a heavy dose of Calvinism in my soaking up Catholic ethic about money, and that has colored years of saving and spending, having or not having money for things that I deemed important or frivolous. .


The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the phrase "good enough mother" in the 1950’s. After observing thousands of babies and their mothers, he came to realize that babies and children actually benefit when their mothers fail them in manageable ways. It allowed the children to to transition to an increasingly more autonomous position, tolerating frustration and waiting. It was then extrapolated by therapists exploring attachment theory to mean more broadly parenting that provided the basics that mental health professionals deem necessary for kids to survive, food, clothing, emotional support appropriate to various developmental stages, acknowledging problems and providing a willing ear. 


It's OK if my memory fails me in manageable ways. What happened happened but what I am more interested in is how I reacted and what lasting impression it made, and how I responded to it. 

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